Why I won’t watch Heroes

15th February
2007
written by mau

I tried to explain this to Alison last holy Monday night, but she was having none of it. I don’t blame her. Working in the television industry has ruined TV for me, and therefore, her. There’s an old Garfield comic strip where Garfield get’s mad at city boy John for explaining how the potato chip is made while visiting the family farm. The “Magic” of the chip was gone. The strip wasn’t actually funny. I mean… it was Garfield. But there is truth to the fat cat sometimes. Insider knowledge of a process, usually takes the luster off the end product. The luster of Heroes is gone for one very specific reason.

The reason for shunning Heroes is a bit obvious. At least, I like to think I’m not alone in my reasoning here. Here’s the TV business model. The goal of the game, is to create a show that excites 4 different species in descending order or importance;

  1. The advertisers
  2. The network executives
  3. The test audience
  4. The real audience

Heroes made it through the gauntlet. Hell, they had me hooked for 2 episodes. I woke up one night in a cold sweat screaming “Masi Oka rocks because he still works as a programmer for ILM while acting!!!”. My night terrors tend to be annoyingly expository. After that brief moment of groggy zen, it hit me.

The interest of the show is hanging by the thread of a secret. If said secret is ever revealed, the show is over. But the show will never be sufficiently resolved within the lifespan of my already ADD inflicted interest.

Advertisers won’t have it. They’re gonna run that show for as long as they can to bring in the almighty dolla dolla bill ya’ll. Well past the span of decent story lines. We’ll never witness the precious secrets and goals of our heroes resolved until Nielson ratings tell advertisers their customers don’t care about the show anymore. Then they’ll attempt to beat the dead horse by trying to tie together convoluted plot twists like a school girl reconciling her web of lies when caught with a foot out the bedroom window at 2am.

The mystery formula over a seasonal arc, is proving to be a difficult TV format. Season 1 of Desperate Housewives was build on this foundation with great success. Then came season 2. The hook was gone. The Mary Alice mystery was solved and new mysteries that actively involved the neighborhood felt insincere. The show resorted to it’s predominantly soap opera crutch. The mystery hook is about as dangerous as the sexual tension hook. Who’s the Boss jumped the shark when? Yep. When Tony and Angela did it. Moonlighting? David and Maddie hook up. Louis and Clark, Nanny, Mork and Mindy? they all said, “I do”. Go ask jumptheshark.com. However the unsolved sexual tension is forgivable since it’s usually a subplot or B storyline.

The Fonz literally Jumps over a Shark on Happy days.

This is not to say the mystery formula doesn’t work. Monk is having the same success Murder She Wrote did from ‘84 to ‘96. A quirky mystery that is solved in every episode. The only consistency over the season is the mystery solver and their relationships between friends and loved ones. The procedural shows like CSI and Criminal Minds are having the same kind of success by adding 1 part Murder she wrote, 2 parts Saw (the movie), and a teaspoon of Pulp Fiction. Apply hip soundtrack liberally.

Look, I’m a snob. I really am. I’m an opinionated music and film snob who laughs at comments like, “You wouldn’t get it if you started watching now, go start at season 1″ (hello Lost fans). Seriously, I’m glad you enjoy watching Heroes. Lemme know how it ends. I’ll be enjoying my free hour.

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